The Need to Hide
Just this week one of the associates who works on my team looked at me after a stressful day and she said, I was so wrong - how do you make all of this look easy. I wasn't exactly sure what my face looked like because on the inside I was torn between bursting in laughter or falling into a puddle of "you have got to be kidding me."
In this situation we were talking about work and I'm a Sr Manager so my job is to protect my associates from knowing exactly what happens long before a project or decision ever gets to them and it's also my job to keep moral up so I don't want them to know how not easy some of my days are. I wish life was as easy as "check your personal business at the door." It's not, in fact I find it personally impossible.
I was ecstatic to hear that my team hadn't picked up on all of the things running through my head as I hit that door by 7:30am. Am I the only one who has all of these feelings inside and are scared that people are seeing right through the facade I have put up? Can they see when I'm frustrated because it took me 10 outfits that morning before I found clothing that would actually fit? Did they see the sadness in my eyes when one of the girls is upset with me because I can't make it to another field trip or school activity? Do they see my red eyes because my insomnia kept me up again last night because I was awake for reasons I can't even explain? Can they see the anxiousness I have right before going into a conversation that I know isn't going to go well? Do they see the concern I have when one of my family members is struggling and texting me throughout the day?
It isn't just work, I have this need to protect/hide my family and friends from what is really happening in the same way. I don't want my family to see me sad, upset or anxious. The problem with true friends and close family is they see more, they can feel and see deeper than those at work. Does my husband realize that when I'm feeling down about the way that I look and he gives me a compliment my first thought is that I really need to get him an eye exam? Do my friends know that on weekends I am being a hermit and not wanting to do anything is because I'm afraid they are going to see that I am dealing with something that I just don't want to talk about? When my husband and I fight, do my girls know that in the end it is all going to be ok and that relationships aren't perfect?
I had a coworker who always seemed so calm, nothing seemed to frazzle him and I never understood how it was possible, I used to watch in envy. I knew when he had just been through hell at work and that there were extreme circumstances going on at home. Each day I would walk in and wonder if today was going to be the day that he snapped. Was today the day he was going to punch someone or scream for no reason? Was I going to walk into his office and find him crying at his desk? I remember on the days I would sit with him at lunch asking how he and the family were doing and wondering if anyone else saw this man who was on the verge of breaking. I would also selfishly get scared that I was going to ask the wrong question on the wrong day and I was going to be a witness to his wrath of pain.
There are times in life when things just don't feel right and you have a choice to make. You can either fake it until you make it or you can hide, but when do you hit the threshold of not being able to take it anymore? Is it important to be honest with those around as long as you are being honest with yourself? What is your breaking point? If you have hit that point, how do you handle and then recover? How far do you go to protect those around you without causing yourself pain?
Why can't we remain children and scream when we want to? Laugh until we pee? Why the hell do we need to be or try to be so mature all of the time? Adulting sucks.
In this situation we were talking about work and I'm a Sr Manager so my job is to protect my associates from knowing exactly what happens long before a project or decision ever gets to them and it's also my job to keep moral up so I don't want them to know how not easy some of my days are. I wish life was as easy as "check your personal business at the door." It's not, in fact I find it personally impossible.
I was ecstatic to hear that my team hadn't picked up on all of the things running through my head as I hit that door by 7:30am. Am I the only one who has all of these feelings inside and are scared that people are seeing right through the facade I have put up? Can they see when I'm frustrated because it took me 10 outfits that morning before I found clothing that would actually fit? Did they see the sadness in my eyes when one of the girls is upset with me because I can't make it to another field trip or school activity? Do they see my red eyes because my insomnia kept me up again last night because I was awake for reasons I can't even explain? Can they see the anxiousness I have right before going into a conversation that I know isn't going to go well? Do they see the concern I have when one of my family members is struggling and texting me throughout the day?
It isn't just work, I have this need to protect/hide my family and friends from what is really happening in the same way. I don't want my family to see me sad, upset or anxious. The problem with true friends and close family is they see more, they can feel and see deeper than those at work. Does my husband realize that when I'm feeling down about the way that I look and he gives me a compliment my first thought is that I really need to get him an eye exam? Do my friends know that on weekends I am being a hermit and not wanting to do anything is because I'm afraid they are going to see that I am dealing with something that I just don't want to talk about? When my husband and I fight, do my girls know that in the end it is all going to be ok and that relationships aren't perfect?
I had a coworker who always seemed so calm, nothing seemed to frazzle him and I never understood how it was possible, I used to watch in envy. I knew when he had just been through hell at work and that there were extreme circumstances going on at home. Each day I would walk in and wonder if today was going to be the day that he snapped. Was today the day he was going to punch someone or scream for no reason? Was I going to walk into his office and find him crying at his desk? I remember on the days I would sit with him at lunch asking how he and the family were doing and wondering if anyone else saw this man who was on the verge of breaking. I would also selfishly get scared that I was going to ask the wrong question on the wrong day and I was going to be a witness to his wrath of pain.
There are times in life when things just don't feel right and you have a choice to make. You can either fake it until you make it or you can hide, but when do you hit the threshold of not being able to take it anymore? Is it important to be honest with those around as long as you are being honest with yourself? What is your breaking point? If you have hit that point, how do you handle and then recover? How far do you go to protect those around you without causing yourself pain?
Why can't we remain children and scream when we want to? Laugh until we pee? Why the hell do we need to be or try to be so mature all of the time? Adulting sucks.
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