I'm Still Here

I've been MIA, but I swear there is a reason that I abandoned my not so anonymous rantings. I've been completely distracted with my own thoughts, self loathing, anxiety, fear, you name it and it's probably crossed my mind in the last few months. Ironically today, the day that I was supposed to start a 8 week leave of absence from work to get my guts cut out, is the day that I finally have the urge to put my words down.

 So here is the breakdown of the last few months. I've not been feeling well, I'm going to save you all of the gory details, but they involved me walking around very uncomfortably and looking 8 months pregnant and there was also a lot of blood involved. After months of dealing with this I finally went to the doctor and much to my surprise he sat me down after my exam and yep, he used the C word. So what does everyone do when their doctor says that they have to come back for a biopsy to rule out uterine cancer, they go to work to try to completely forget that the appointment ever happened. Guess what, didn't work.

Fast forward to the biopsy that hurt like hell and according to Grant it looked that way too. Fast forward a little more and NO CANCER!! Fast forward a little further than that and now I need a partial hysterectomy. 

What the hell, I am WAY TOO YOUNG for this. I am 37 years old, I have friends still having babies, some that haven't even started and here I am about to get my uterus ripped out. These are the kinds of decisions that make you second guess your decision to stop having babies because the thought of it no longer being an option is just plain sad. 

So I've spent the last few months getting psyched up for this week and by psyched up I mean willing to recognize that it has to happen. I'm going to feel a million times better after the procedure, that's what the internet says. I bought the granny panties, got my work team prepped, made kid care arrangements, meal prep ideas and then stop the insanity - these damn women who need c-sections stopped my surgery from happening. Apparently the Orange Park Medical Center is a happening place this time of year and my doctor is now overbooked.

So guess what, I've now chickened out a bit and have pushed my surgery back to May - for now. I'm not dying, I don't have cancer and I've lived with the pain for long enough that a few more months won't matter. 

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